We’re often in a rush to move on from hard things. Which makes sense, because hard things don’t feel good. And generally speaking, we’d rather feel good than bad.
When something difficult happens, whether it’s a breakup, a job loss, a conflict at work, or a major life change, our instinct is often to figure out how to feel better as quickly as possible. We want to know what to do, how to think about it differently, and how long it’s going to take before we can put the experience behind us.
And so clients often come to therapy asking for tools and tips to help them “get over” whatever they’re going through. They want strategies to stop worrying, exercises to manage difficult emotions, or advice about how to move forward. As though there’s a particular technique that, once discovered and applied correctly, will make the uncomfortable feelings go away.
And while tools and strategies can absolutely be helpful, they’re not always the answer. Sometimes the very thing we’re trying so hard to get rid of is something we need to spend a little more time understanding.
Why We Want Difficult Feelings to Go Away
Human beings are generally wired to move away from discomfort. When something feels unpleasant, we naturally look for ways to change it. If we’re cold, we put on a sweater. If we’re hungry, we eat. If we’re stressed, anxious, sad, or angry, it makes sense that we’d want to find a way to stop feeling that way too.
The complication is that emotions don’t always work like physical problems that have straightforward solutions. We can’t necessarily make grief disappear by thinking differently about a loss. We can’t always eliminate anxiety by reminding ourselves that everything will probably be okay. And we can’t make disappointment go away simply because we’ve decided that it’s time to move on.
In psychology, we sometimes refer to our efforts to escape or avoid unwanted internal experiences as experiential avoidance. This might look like distracting ourselves whenever difficult thoughts arise, keeping excessively busy so we don’t have time to feel, or constantly seeking reassurance that everything is going to be okay.
None of these behaviours are inherently problematic. Distraction can be useful. Staying busy can help us maintain structure during difficult periods. Reassurance can be comforting. But when our primary goal becomes avoiding uncomfortable emotions altogether, we can end up spending an enormous amount of energy trying not to feel things that are a normal part of being human.
And sometimes, the harder we try to get rid of a feeling, the more attention we end up giving it.
Sometimes Understanding Matters More Than Fixing
One of the things I find interesting about therapy is how often people arrive wanting to change how they feel before they’ve had much opportunity to understand why they’re feeling that way in the first place.
Someone might be frustrated that they’re still upset about losing a job several months ago. They know intellectually that layoffs happen, that the decision wasn’t necessarily personal, and that they’ll eventually find something else. So why are they still struggling?
But perhaps the job represented much more than a paycheque. Maybe it was a source of identity, community, stability, or self-worth. Maybe the way the layoff happened left them feeling humiliated or betrayed. Maybe it brought up older experiences of rejection or failure.
Understanding those layers doesn’t automatically eliminate the difficult feelings. But it can change how someone relates to them. Instead of wondering what’s wrong with them for still being upset, they may begin to understand why the experience has been so painful.
This is where self-awareness becomes incredibly valuable. Sometimes what looks like an overreaction makes a lot more sense when we understand the meaning we’ve attached to an experience, the beliefs we hold about ourselves, or the patterns we’ve developed over time.
And sometimes, understanding is only part of it. We can understand exactly why something hurts and still need to allow ourselves to feel the hurt.
Learning to Tolerate What We Can’t Immediately Change
Another important part of therapy is developing the capacity to experience uncomfortable emotions without feeling compelled to immediately eliminate them.
This is often referred to as distress tolerance. It’s the ability to experience difficult feelings without becoming completely overwhelmed by them or automatically responding in ways that might make things worse.
For example, you might feel anxious about an upcoming conversation with your boss. You can prepare, consider what you want to say, and practice how you’ll communicate. But you may still feel anxious. The goal doesn’t necessarily have to be getting rid of the anxiety before having the conversation. It might be learning that you can feel anxious and have the conversation anyway.
Similarly, you might be grieving a relationship that has ended. You can understand why it ended, recognize that it was the right decision, and still feel incredibly sad. Those feelings aren’t necessarily evidence that you’ve made a mistake or that something needs to be fixed.
This is also where radical acceptance comes in. Radical acceptance involves acknowledging reality as it is, even when we deeply wish it were different. It doesn’t mean approving of what happened, liking it, or giving up on changing what we can. It means recognizing that fighting against something we cannot change often adds another layer of suffering to an already difficult experience.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is stop arguing with the fact that we’re having a hard time.
Not Everything Needs to Be Fixed Right Away
None of this is to suggest that we should simply sit with difficult feelings indefinitely or that practical strategies don’t have an important place in therapy. Of course they do. There are many effective approaches to managing anxiety, changing unhelpful thinking patterns, regulating emotions, and making meaningful behavioural changes.
But I think we sometimes place so much emphasis on feeling better that we overlook the value of understanding ourselves, making room for difficult emotions, and accepting the realities we can’t immediately change.
Not every difficult feeling is a problem to solve. Sometimes sadness is an understandable response to loss. Sometimes anger tells us that something important has been violated. Sometimes anxiety reflects genuine uncertainty about something that matters to us.
And sometimes, despite our best efforts, life is just really hard for a while.
It’s understandable to want to get through those periods as quickly as possible. I don’t know many people who particularly enjoy feeling sad, anxious, disappointed, or overwhelmed.
But perhaps the goal doesn’t always need to be getting over something.
Sometimes it’s understanding why it matters. Sometimes it’s learning that we can tolerate the feelings that come with it. Sometimes it’s accepting a reality we wish were different.
And sometimes it’s simply giving ourselves permission to have a hard time, without immediately trying to fix it.
